Saturday, 14 November 2015

Facebook People

Facebook people are the worst. Now I’ve split my most hated types of Facebookers into groups below so that I stat on track.

Game/app spammers –
Let us start with these dicks. Everyone has them on Facebook and everyone has someone blocked from sending them stupid requests to games and shit.
Who is playing these games? I play actual video games all the time and never once have I thought “damn let’s sign into Facebook and play imagine we’re a farmer”. I mean what the fuck? It wouldn’t even be so bad if you didn’t have to bug your (Facebook) friends with this shit, I’ve had “help (insert name) plant corn” and “(insert name) needs rope can you help them out” only if the ropes to hang themselves so they stop sending me these stupid fucking request. Bit harsh? Maybe I should move on.

Attention seekers –
Next up we have attention seekers.


            “whats happened?”


If you have to inbox someone about it here’s a theory… don’t put the original post on Facebook, you dumb fuck. The least you could do is tell us what’s up in the comments instead of inboxing people. Come on give us all something to laugh at. No? OK, you absolute click bait whore.
ARRRGH! These people really get me, the please like my status, please comment dipshits who make up problems to seem as though they’ve got stuff going on in their lives.
This is topped only by the queen of emotional Facebook whoring. The top of the tree at attention seeking. That’s right it’s the Facebook is my therapist poster. The absolute cringe that I’m hit with when I read one of these posts is phenomenal. Not sure what posts I’m on about? Here’s an example.

“I have been struggling with my mental health a lot this past couple of years, the dark times never seem to end. But recently there has been a shining light in my life and I no longer feel all alone. Thank you all for your support through these tough times, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. I’m still not truth be told, but I stay strong and stay positive for you people, I am proud to call you friends”

Followed by the same person posting a funny video of a cat falling down the stairs and pictures of them out getting pissed at the weekend before posting the same fake bullshit next week.
The thing that really pisses me off is there are people out there who generally need help. Who have real depression and real problems. So when some childish, attention seeking twat goes fishing for likes with one of these posts it makes me want to throw up… in a bucket and pour it over their head, in some sort of sick bucket challenge to raise awareness of real mental health issues.
I could go on all day about these fucktards, but you know what they’re not worth it. NEXT!
Serial commenters

Fake post sharers –
Oh these guys, I hate them but love to laugh at them. I saw two people on my timeline share the same photo of these supposed dog-nappers once. The only problem being one was in Manchester and the other was in Portsmouth a 240mile, 5-hour journey in a day just to steal dogs. Oh and did I mention its was the exact same picture, that was supposedly taken by both original posters?
Another favourite of mine was in the weeks leading up to Halloween. People (mostly middle aged white mothers) would share a photo of these Superman, Playboy, smiley face, skull looking pills that looked more like Pez candies to me (if anyone remembers them). With a post saying “people are giving out these ecstasy tablets to children beware this Halloween”, or some similar sounding shit.
Now I’m not Richard Branson but I think that if you are a drug dealer and you are giving away your product to someone too young to think “fuck it, Dad where’s me pocket money I’ve got to go and get off my tits from that candy that man gave me on Halloween” then you might just be doing bad business. And just a whim here as well but to give out molly to every child who visited your house that night (presuming you live in a town or city) would cost you a fuck load of money. And lastly come on people have you ever dealt with a drug dealer? You’re lucky to get what you pay for let alone get freebies. Unless you’re reading this Frank then keep up the good work buddy I’ll see you Saturday.

Rehashing old photos –
We are nearly at the end of this patchwork rant now but there are still a few types of Facebook posters I need to mention.
Like the people who share a photo from 4 years ago and comment on what a wonderful night that was and how they love their friends. Sad fuckers that are stuck in the past and have to cling on to every little good thing that’s happened to them because come Monday morning they will be back to that job they hate, to pay for the mortgage on a house that’s literally a few miles from the house they grew up in.
Also an extension to these posters is the ones who sign up for and app, usually a horoscope which posts shit on their wall every-single-day without them having to do a thing. Hell I doubt they even read it themselves, it’s only purpose to be out there annoying other human beings.

Bigots –
Also if you are unlucky enough to live in the UK like I am, you will have come across a Facebook racist. Usually sharing fake posts from bullshit fucking groups/pages that are anti-muslim, pro-army, ultra right wing nonsense.
I’m going to give these people as few a word count as possible as they are mostly what I call English Rednecks.

Bonus round –
Ok here’s a bonus round of the types of people who piss me of intermittently these people can be; close friends, colleagues or even people you hardly know or never really see post until you see one of these; soldiers/nurses should get footballers wages and footballers should get soldiers/nurses wages, I’m sharing this status as a tribute to/to raise awareness for… I bet most of you wont have the guts to share this.

OK there’s so much stupid there where do we start?
Footballers aren’t paid by the government and nurses and soldiers are. That’s the difference between public and private sector workers, you moron.
Not having the guts to share a status? Are you kidding me? Sharing a status about whatever the cause or point you are trying to make is a big fat fuck all whether it’s a worthy cause or not. So don’t be a thick cunt you’re not going to save/change the world by sharing this dumb status, you really care about it get off you arse and do something about it.
Some people are so stupid it hurts.

Oh and people who feel the need to check in and out of places all the time and tag the people they are with in it. Come on, no one gives a fuck you’re at nandos, get the fuck off my news feed.


Well done if you managed to get this far who knew Facebook could make you rant this much? Oh that’s right everyone, but everyone still has it don’t they?
The last group I’d like to share are the serial spammers (but not like any off the ones mentioned above).

These spammers are the ones who rarely post pictures, rarely post statues but constantly share articles and photos from pages. Now the reason I left these scum bags until last is… I am one of them. In fact, the only reason I still have Facebook is to like and share motivational quotes or news stories you’re not going to get on the BBC. Malcolm X once said that knowledge is power and it’s the one thing nobody can take away from you, I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it. I was 15 when I first read that quote and it was too late for me to start to pay attention in school but it wasn’t too late for me to educate myself about the world. Which I continue to do everyday. The reason I share what I do is to hopefully enlighten people to unplug themselves from the matrix as it were and to grow as a person. I am a lot of things, some good, some bad but I continue to grow and learn everyday. And as much as I hate people I am willing to put stuff out there to hopefully provide the tools someone needs to grow.

“Many people die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.” – Benjamin Franklin

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